Sunday, April 24, 2011

thank you for all your SHIT

i am very thankful to be where i am at this very moment in time
when i was doing cardio on friday i was thinking about the journey that has gotten me here

i just so happened to be listening to "Coming Home" from Country Strong
it really made me think
we go through SO MUCH BULLSHIT to "find" happiness
when all we had to do was create it for ourselves

i guess that is one of the many life lessons that we will come across
it's not how your tshirt looks on your body
or if you are the smartest one in the room
maybe you thought you needed be the center of attention to feel fulfilled

(word of the day is SHIT, and my lucky number is 7, lets go for it)

what really made you happy
when you were longing for approval from others that were doing the same?
i have spent way too much time in the mirror
i have spent years of my life trying to make other people happy,
make sure they liked me, or think i was perfect

being a dancer, we were judged compettivly from a young age
that I made me work hard
growing up competitive, without being arrogant was something i was proud of
i am thankful to my parents & teachers for that
to know your talent without judging others is something that is much easier to learn as a child

i do remember a day that changed my life's path
i was a 17 yr old dancer, at the top of my category
it was going to be my year
my heart was in it, but my head was using the brain of a teenage girl
i wanted to go hang out with my boyfriend instead of being in ballet class
i was the typical self involved little SHIT adolescent girl
because i wasnt there for ballet class,
and still had the talent and admiration from my teachers, and fellow dancers
the PARENTS of the other children decided it was up to them
to prove a point
and be.....refer to the picture above :)

thinking of this day makes me tear up
I WISH that at the age of 17 i could have understood that i am stronger than words
that i was strong enough to be my own person, love what i do and DO IT
no matter who tried to take me down
as i took the stage in at the beginning of the 2000 competition season
i could feel the people packing into the ballroom of the Sheritan Hotel in Rutherford, NJ
everyone got to size up the competitors for the that year

most of the standing room was the mothers of my fellow dancers
their eyes burning into the back of my head
i heard to room fall silent
as i performed i was aware of them watching me
i could not dissapear into my emotions where i normally let my dancing take me
i was too aware of the judgement.....for the first time in 10 years
these adult women....mothers.....judging me, and my parents we not there
i had pushed them away, by telling them i didnt NEED them there
but i needed allies
when my solo was over, out of breath and somewhat pleased with my performance
i waited for the award ceremony with my friend and now big time choreographer

at dance competitions when the awards are given out
all of the dance studios and their performers sit on the stage
so when called they dont have to run through the crowd
they can stand and be handed their trophy
my studio sat, in a circle that didnt technically include me
they girls had all made it quite clear that thier mothers opinions had soaked in

....the awards were now over for the group dances and it was on to the soloists

a lesson in team work
you support each other

each person that was awarded i clapped and whistled for, NO MATTER WHAT my personal feelings were
the studio as a whole, parents included cheered with each number called
finally it was time to hear how i did
as i was awarded a gold medal & highest score for my category
i walked in silence to receive my trophy
i felt the tears well up in my eyes
and that was the last time i ever performed as a competitive dancer

having achieved all that i have to this point forward
i KNOW, that you cannot let what others think affect you
having gone through a very rough period of my life there after
struggling with anxiety and self confidence issues i really want to express to you
how important it is to stick up for yourself, and LOVE the SHIT outta everything about YOU
embrace your choices, you personality
your body, your skin
what you believe in and what you hold dear to you
be strong in knowing that you are exactly who you are supposed to be
life will take you toward the lessons you are meant to learn

i am thankful that i developed thick skin
i wish it happened a lot quicker, and i knew sooner that i would come out the other side
but never the less
i am strong
i am confident
i am a teacher
i am a mentor
a lover
a sister
a daughter
and a friend
i approach each situation as a new
and will never let some SHIThead tell me that I CANNOT DO SOMETHING

do what you love
treat people with respect
you dont have to agree with everyone
just respect that they too, are entitled to an opinion

be a role model
lead by example
and not the F-ed up mothers
that spead rumors about a 17 year old girl that was trying to find her confidence
and create a character for herself
instead you can teach, yourself and those around you
that you need to look inside
find out why the hell you are so judgmental
and work on yourself

where you are now ladies?
where are your kids
hum? probably still talking shit about hard working passionate kids at dance competitions
i do believe i am the one LAUGHING NOW

call me if you need a job
i might consider doing you a solid
thank you for the life lesson


*and yes i got all 7 in if you decided to keep up with my lil game

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